Happy(ness)
Posted on Sunday, August 23rd, 2009 at 9:34 am
David:
I’m angry that I’ve allowed myself to disconnect from so much in my life in order to handle it. Our marriage. You. My family. Your family. My feelings. Ellen’s struggles. Dreams of a family business.
I’m learning that connection starts when I start to question, reach out, seek guidance, pray, learn about and take action. Simply put, to connect I have to take my head out of the sand. And, it’s scary up there…poking my head out has meant that it may get “knocked off”…better to stay below ground. At least it was…until I couldn’t breathe anymore…and the threat of getting my head “knocked off” was less scary than running out of air.
You wrote a lovely reminiscence about yourself as a young boy…thinking about your future family…feeling the love of your own family…like a good neighbor. It made me happy to read this…it made me happy because across the country in a different time zone was a young girl – myself – who daydreamed similar happy feelings about her future and the life she would build with that special someone someday. Sure, you could say it was pie-in-the-sky…ideal. You could say that those two young kids didn’t take into account the realities of life…the illnesses, the financial struggles, the compromises, the disconnect, the everything between the then and then. You could also say it was and still is happiness.
I haven’t seen much of your BIP homework lately…I haven’t seen it in your blogs. I know you are a good student…how are you taking what you are learning and putting it into action in your own life…how are you experiencing the proof of change?
Yesterday, while you and Ellen were visiting, I went to see John Cox to seek guidance on Post-Injunction. I already asked you to talk with your parents about staying there longer as we move into family counseling. I haven’t talked with you yet about an agreement between the three of us so we all know and agree to what the boundaries are. I’ve learned a good definition of boundaries…essentially that they are and should be malleable. I was frustrated that I didn’t have a clear vision of this…of how to talk about it with you…of how to agree. I told John I was ready to come up with an agreement…he suggested that you should do it…that you let Ellen and I know what boundaries you will respect during this time. He said he would work with you on this. So, I’d like to ask you to call John tomorrow (407.719.0632) and set up a visit to do this, and/or with MJ and/or Joyce or all. Ellen and I will need something to look over in the next week or so.
I’d like you to order a book – or get it from the library: 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey. It is required reading for Ellen’s Inquiry class. Inquiry is a life skills/study skills class. We only found out about the book last Thursday…just bought it yesterday. The first chapter talks about what a Paradigm shift is…how change can happen in an instant…kinda of like taking your head out of the sand.
Taking my head out of the sand hurts a little today as I have come down with a head cold…runny nose and stuffy…came on out of the blue yesterday afternoon. Ellen and I still made it out to the springs. We went to Wekiwa Springs first as the rain had started…stayed in the car with the back hatch open and played cards…then we were going to head home but the weather shifted so we decided to stay on our adventure and head to the Rock Springs Run. Two inner tubes and two hours later, we were two happy campers with a last summer fling under our belts.
Thanks for the little Nemo clip…for putting that song in my stuffy head.
Jen aka Ms. Grumpy Gills
Ellen could come here to do her homework. I could pick her up. Help her out. Etc.
One issue to consider is DCF. There’s a guy in class who’s wife charged him, then she let him pick up the kids, and then DCF stepped in and took custody of the kids claiming that because she gave a ‘criminal’ custody of the children she was unfit.
The other issue is Mother Bear – i.e., your comfort level.
Anyway, you might call DCF.
I’ll ask Mary Jane.
Jen, I did call the number you gave me for John Cox right around 3PM. He hadn’t called when I started this around 6:30. But he did call. And now I am back at 8:30. Writing to you as the Peace of Christ either decends upon me or grows inside me or bridges the gap between me and you. Anyway, it was a nice talk. And he was nice to talk so long.
This is Dad’s cell number – 3212878031. Ellen may need it tomorrow because Mom will be using his phone instead of her own.
The access to the house you’re recommending I can work with. You’ll need to email Morris’ office.
I would like more time with Ellen. And I would like no supervision requirements. I really just want an open door when it comes to Ellen. If she’s busy, she’s busy. If she’s not interested, she’s not interested. But I would like latitude to plan, even spontaneously, something that may be more than two hours, and something my parents may not want to supervise.
We’re talking about an agreement between you and me, right? Not a court order? Not a written contract? If it’s a verbal agreement between you and I, then I recommend it be wide open. We could both benefit from that.
So, I say a commitment of two hours a week here at my folks, Saturday or Sunday, as you wish, whether my folks are here or not, whether we stay here or not, and latitude for more time, at any time, when that is convenient and/or desireable for all three of us.
OK. I’m going to leave it at that for tonight.
Later,
David
I am just settling down. I’m going to eat. Watch some hulu. Finish my letter to Gary Bonner… maybe. Then I am going to sleep.
You are definitely you. And that’s good.
I may not say more tonight.
David:
Anger: I was sharing an observation of where I was at, at the moment…lonely, tired, angry…going to bed. The fact that I recognized being angry at all is new to me…I’m not very good at it…responding to it…expressing it. I believe I understand that you are saying you can’t help – or attempt to help/understand – unless you know what I’m angry about. I will take your advice and take a step closer to…anything good to happen (intimacy) …by explaining…dealing with the issues as they arise.
Agreement: Thank you for calling John tomorrow and then for reviewing with MJ, too. Hear what John has to say about why it’s important that it start with you, then start simply…start with continuing what you have right now…a Saturday visit with Ellen at your parent’s house during a two-hour time period when they will be home, too.
I believe this agreement is a start and will work best as a living document…changing and growing, expanding and/or contracting as needed, as we do.
I’d also like to ask you for more help caring for the birds. You mentioned being able to drop the fruit off yourself…more than that would be sorting and prepping it, and feeding the birds each weekday. Access to the house Monday through Friday from 8am -1 pm should give you time to do this and continue work on the flights. Is this something you could commit to…or, commit to with an adjustment? Could you start next week – Monday August 31?
7 Habits: Of course…the VISA needs to be changed…I’ll get the new one to your Dad’s office as soon as it arrives…order it when you can
Summer Requirement: Apparently all were not posted…we heard the same lament from students, parents and teachers. The communication with the IB students/families in general was not very good. Daniel Farmer was not in over the summer due to budget cuts – old IB meeting schedules were on the website when I looked last…just last week. The teachers all said that the summer assignments would be reviewed during class time this week with clear direction given then. Ellen has finished her discussion questions for Fahrenheit 451 and will work on her American History Paper next.
Nobody changes: At least not last week. ☺ That is a depressing thought. I have thought about it regarding myself and you. Nobody. Everybody. Always. Never. Aren’t these words to avoid? I remember you mentioning a guy in your BIP class…you said you wanted what he had…he must have figured out something about change…did you happen to call him?
I’ll share something I just read from “7 Habits” page 66
Just Push Pause
…Yes, your childhood, your parents, your genes, and your environment influence you to act in certain ways, but they can’t make you do anything. You are not determined but are free to choose…
Self Awareness: I can stand apart from myself and observe my thoughts and actions.
Conscience: I can listen to my inner voice to know right from wrong.
Imagination: I can envision new possibilities.
Willpower: I have the power to choose.
Well…that’s just a little something…I’m sure you are learning how to use many tools from your class and MJ.
Physical Cues: You’re right David…once the physical cues start it’s too late…your pupils get very small…you cut me off…you breathe heavy…you get loud…you threaten…you come at me and you either stop yourself short or you hit me. Maybe starting to ID the cues earlier would begin with you sharing your thought(s) with me at these times…this is a big deal, I know…this is going to require trust, being vulnerable, responding…and the same from me.
Feeling Better: Well, I took a pill to dry up my nose…you know how those make you feel…I’ve decided to stay home from work tomorrow to rest. Thanks for the good thought. Hope you’ve been feeling well.
Have a good afternoon,
Jen
Thanks for the post Jen. It is a relief just to hear from you.
I’m not sure you answered my question, though. Why would you say “I’m angry”, offer no explanation, and expect anything good to happen? I’d rather deal with the issues as they arise.
You’ve asked me to call John tomorrow and talk about boundaries in a post-injunction agreement. You’ve said I could as an alternate talk with Mary Jane or Joyce. I’ll call John. I don’t expect to make an appointment. I’ll take whatever I get from my phone call with John to my session with Mary Jane … which has moved from Tuesdays to Thursdays. Anything else you can tell me about what you want in this agreement would be helpful.
I have told my mother that you want me to stay here through the end of BIP and until some undetermined point in family therapy. Her reaction was something like, “Well, we’re getting somewhere.”
Getting the book that Ellen will be using requires a little work to reset PayPal and AbeBooks with the new account number. I’ll get to it. But not right now.
Ellen also told me there were some last minute surprises regarding summer requirements. Can you explain that. Was there something on the website that we missed?
I’m doing some BIP homework now. You’re right – I haven’t posted everything. I’ll see to that later.
Proof of change? Oh, God. That is depressing. Last week, class, and phone calls to graduates, seemed to say ‘Nobody changes’. I’m not too happy about the things that aren’t changing.
Mary Jane wants to me to work on my Safety Plan regularly. I’ll have to post the form I made for that. And I need her help with it. You could help too by telling me what you see as physical cues that a physical expression of anger is coming. Like the paced, methodical, even tone of voice I used as we approached the traffic signal at Aloma and Lakemont. Personally, I need to ID earlier cues. Anyway, I’ll get the safety plan form online later.
I’m glad you got to the springs.
Hope you feel better.
David