wordsworth

Jennifer:

Tuesday I met with Mary Jane. Of course, the first thing I asked was had she called you as she had said she would. And, of course, she had. So, she gave me a synopsis of the call. She told me, as you did in your post, that you needed clarification on the question – “Why can’t family counseling begin now?” I have a few things to add to that.

If we were just two people concerned about controlling behavior or physical abuse, then either of us or both of us could enroll in a BIP and have simultaneous couple and family counseling. But we are two people separated by the court. More importantly, we are separated by two courts, a civil court and a criminal court. So, the state controls the counseling question. First, the civil court prohibits contact. Although there is a civil court order that permits couple and family counseling, it does not permit contact. If you listen to the recording of the hearing, it’s clear that the court expects one of us to return and request contact for the purpose of the counseling already approved. So, one reason we cannot have counseling is because the civil court has not approved contact, even though it has already approved counseling. The criminal court has issued an order that permits contact as authorized by the civil court. That criminal order suggests the only obstacle to couple or family counseling is a civil court order permitting contact. However, despite that appearance, because the criminal court has also ordered BIP as part of pretrial diversion, there are statutes to consider and there are also the rules of DCF to consider. I can’t cite the statutes or rules, but it is my understanding that there are statutes empowering DCF to make rules, and that DCF has made rules which would disqualify what I’m doing in BIP if I enter into couple or family counseling prior to completion. In other words, I’d get kicked out of BIP, and get kicked out of the diversion program, and perhaps face the criminal charge all over again, if I entered couple or family counseling before completing the BIP. So, the second obstacle to couple and family counseling are the statues and rules governing the BIP.

You mention in your post that Mary Jane explained why Florida prohibits couple and family counseling during the BIP – Florida wants to avoid ANY possible escalation of violence that is within its power to control. So, it has a one-size-fits-all solution – get the batterer through BIP, in hopes the program will eliminate violence, then let the couple deal with their dysfunction, if they choose. In other words, couple or family counseling during a BIP may or may not lead to more violence, but Florida has decided to take no chances because it doesn’t have to, and because it doesn’t want to be sued by any victim who might claim the state failed to do all it could. California goes farther. It doesn’t permit the batterer to enter individual therapy during a BIP. That is because the nature of individual therapy – to, at least initially, identify and empathize with the individual – might discourage the batterer from seeing what they have done wrong, and it might discourage the batterer from empathizing with the person they’ve injured. But, again, this is a one-size-fits-all, better-safe-than-sorry solution, directed exclusively at domestic violence, not domestic dysfunction.

While the state prohibits couple or family counseling during the BIP, it does not prohibit us from living together during the BIP – you do, per the criminal order and the civil injunction. I don’t hear you taking responsibility for that, for the consequences of these procedures, some of which, like the BIP/Counseling conflict, or the safe supervised visitation option of Family Ties, you clearly did not foresee. I would like you to take note that the temporary injunction ends in September while the BIP ends in October, and the diversion ends well after that. In others words, there will be no couple or family counseling before the injunction ends. Are you going to ask for an extension of the temporary injunction, to keep it in place while we are in couple and family counseling? Or, are you going to ask me to voluntarily maintain the separation until we’ve started counseling, or until we’ve reached some agreement during counseling? Or, are you going to let me return home before finishing the BIP, and when it is complete seek couple and family counseling?

One thing I would like to make clear – something you can confirm with the Harbor House advocates – the nature of our separation is voluntary, though the separation itself is not. The separation is, of course, ordered by the criminal and civil court. But the nature of the separation, whether it is civilized or violent, is dependant on the parties. One thing that the domestic violence literature states, one thing that Mary Jane has told me, is that the worst violence occurs during separation. One thing that has been emphasized by the correctional folks, the court, the BIP folks, Mary Jane, etc., is that the terms of the criminal “no contact” order and the civil injunction are easily and often violated. The threat of jail and fines, in other words, is not the deterrent that conscience is.

The “no contact” order has not been violated, the civil injunction has not been violated, the violence has not gotten worse. Why? Because, for our own reasons, we – not the courts – have made sure of that. And I say ‘we’ because I know you have not done much to make things worse, and I say ‘we’ because I have heard stories of other women who have made things worse; some women, unhappy with the courts’ leniency, have done things to draw men offsides into a violation that would force the court to put them in jail. My point here is this – when you are ready, and can be very clear about what you want, you can give me your terms for separation and, while I may want to negotiate some points, I’ll abide by whatever agreement we make even in the absence of the criminal and civil order. I do want you to have what you think will make you happy.

There is one thing you may want to hear from me before you step out from behind what I have said above is, at least in part, the false security of the courts’ orders: you may want to know my thoughts on the charges of Domestic Violence/Battery and your actions regarding those charges.

I am quite sure that what I did March 12th was as you describe in your statement. I know that I have a history of using at least half of the control methods identified by the Power & Control wheel. I am convinced, by what I have read, and by what has been said in BIP, that what I did March 12th was more serious than anything I had done before because I was doing it in front of Ellen, I was doing it outside the home, I was doing it in a moving automobile, and I was doing it to you while you were driving that automobile. I believe that the state could have prevailed if it had pressed the criminal charge. I believe the state would not have pressed the criminal charge unless requested by you to do so. I believe that you were gracious in not insisting the state press the charge, and that you have been gracious since. I believe I should offer grace when and how I can. I am sure that I can free myself of any belief that motivates anger, and any belief that excuses abusive control of or physical violence toward family.

But …

I do not believe what I did March 12th was domestic violence/battery under a strict interpretation of the law; I do not believe it was my intention to violate your will. I do not believe what I did March 12th means I was or am a danger to you, Ellen, or anyone else. I do not believe that I am doomed by this experience to a future of unhappiness. I do not believe that you have owned the anger that motivated much of what you did March 12th and have done before and since, your intention to hurt me, or the belief that you have rights that go beyond the law. I do not believe the statute of limitation has yet run on the threats of violence your brother made upon his wife and me Christmas 2005. I do not believe I care to enable him to avoid a charge of Domestic Violence/Assault.

Violence is one thing, control is another.

I hope to hear you distinguish unlawful violence from abusive control and abusive control from non-violent, non-abusive control – what is governed by law from what is governed by conscience. Intentionally hitting someone who has made it clear they do not want to be hit is violence governed by law. Hitting a table while in an argument is abusive control, and is a matter of conscience. However, hitting a table with a weapon during an argument, or hitting a table with a fist during an argument coupled with a verbal threat to do unlawful violence is an assault and becomes a matter governed by law. Taking a time-out is a non-violent, non-abusive control. These and other refinements in the distinction between unlawful violence and abusive control are important to me, and I hope become important to you. “He said, she said”, for example, is blaming, and an abuse, but not violence. Refining a power and control vocabulary, and refining a vocabulary of emotion, is important.

Nevertheless, some people must – and do – work this out, however well or poorly, without so many words.

I would like to learn how to do that without endangering my health with maladaptive self-soothing.

You’ve asked me to tell you how I intend to give Ellen a safe place to voice her opinions and feelings. Is it safe for me to do so under the threat of permanent injunction?!

One of the first things I remember hearing at No Abuse was, “Everybody has an opinion. If somebody tells you they don’t have an opinion, they mean they don’t want to share it.” Now, when I heard that, I thought of myself directing Ellen, correcting Ellen, disciplining Ellen, shouting at Ellen, and hitting Ellen. “Oh,” I thought, “Of course Ellen doesn’t want to share her opinions – there are too many possible unhappy consequences.” But, I think it is important to keep in mind, the unhappy consequences I represent are not necessarily the only reason Ellen might want to keep her opinions to herself – conflicting opinions of caregivers is another that comes to mind.

Anyway, one answer to your question would be to remove the worst of those unhappy consequences I control, in particular, the hitting and the shouting. This, the BIP promises, can be done be tweaking my thoughts. I’ve only done a little work there. For instance, I’ve thought of my old buddy John Carpenter who was a huge fan of Mad Magazine, a comic my parents would not allow within five hundred feet of their residence, their workplace, their vehicles, or their children’s school. John was just nuts about it. But it’s humor was way too adult for me; it went right over my head when it didn’t seem down-right naughty. So, it compares to Ellen’s choice in fiction – neither Mad nor vamp tales are great literature. John didn’t read any great literature until college, and he waited forever to do that. Now he’s a lit professor. So, though I would like to see Ellen with the great books behind her, I am certain the time her parents spent, night after night, reading the tales of Oz that she’s forgot, have paid off great dividends, even in this difficult emotional economy. I know she has a love of reading. I know she loves her parents. I know her parents have shared their opinions liberally. And, so, I know she’s got alot to keep her company upstairs. She’s got a busy brain. I just don’t believe her brain will be as ready for the SAT as it could be if Ellen applied herself as I have asked her to do, instead of mentally skipping out of school through the back door her other relatives left wide open.

So, I’ll tell you – the biggest problem I believe I have in making myself “safe” for  Ellen is you, and after you, your mom, and after your mom, Elizabeth, and after Elizabeth, Debby, and after Debby it doesn’t matter. In you, and behind you, I found more resistance than I ever found in Ellen. As the mother of an IB student you may learn some empathy for what I was doing and what I was going through. As the mother of an IB student you won’t be able to undermine the teachers’ authority, as you did mine, without threatening your daughter’s success, and you won’t be able to allow your family and friends to do it either by suggesting Ellen slack a little here or there, or read a little something “off list” – she just won’t have time, or she’ll just fail. As the mother of an IB student you won’t be encouraging your daughter to do anything but what her teachers say. And unless you actually step in, learn the material, and co-teach, instead of playing at being principal, the next few years will be a sad part of your history with Ellen that will never go away. I didn’t do a wrong thing, I didn’t even get angry with Ellen, until you, and your entourage, decided that I should back off because none of you wanted to really pitch in. But, as I say, that disagreement is over now; Ellen’s in public school where she’ll get that socialization so many thought she’d been “missing”, where gun’s are just twenty bucks and sex is fast and free in the halls. Oh, happy day.

What I am trying to say is that my answer to your question begins by accepting that I am now an absentee dad with no authority in an environment of women hostile toward me and my opinions. I’m sure this is because I’m way too sexy and all those “NO” hormones designed to discourage moms from the drive to reproduce any more offspring are shouting, “Don’t give in! Don’t surrender to that all too sexy guy, with that tiny sexy butt, and his oh so potent opinions. Don’t do it! No!” Nevertheless, evolution has provided me with counter measures! Guess what they are? Cape Code Potato Chips and Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream! So, unless you do a better job of fighting off these women who want to have their way with me and my opinions, or unless your mom gets thirty hours worth of really high priced therapy, Elizabeth decides not to give advice on family matters while using drugs, and Debby … well, Debby’s OK, then I will have to take John Lennon’s other tidbit of philosophical advice and get a good reason for taking the easy way out and keep my opinions to myself just like Ellen.

My new role as dad is simple: just about anything that happens with Ellen is better than what would happen if I interfered under these circumstances without an invitation by the entire “circle”.

Regarding FMH, I’m doing pretty well on my own, and getting a little satisfaction from doing something I always relied on you to do for me.

Regarding IB, it’s a buckle down, get involved program. She needs to get on it. She needs a study buddy ASAP.

Regarding self-soothing behavior, how do food blogs equate to self-soothing in the feminine mind?

Regarding emails, I will sit down to Mail Friday and see what I can do to make your email life easier.

Regarding less-than thoughts, you’ll have to do better before I want to see you again. I know you have them. I know you conceal them. I know they’ve motivated you to hurt me. I know you want to hurt me still. It is never easy for anyone in BIP. But it has to be a strictly less-than thought without adding any qualifiers, prettifiers, or negative-same-sex-bonding. Anger starts with a simple, direct, less-than thought. It may be expressed in a thousand ways, aggressively, passively, productively, or counter-productively. And while it is useful to explore your expression of anger, you won’t until you get to the simple, direct, less-than thought. A less-than thought can be a more-than thought; e.g., I’m more than you, you’re less than me, because I’m here toughing it out, and you’re there ‘jailed’ at your parents’ country club.” You know? If that were true?

Regarding Action-Intent-Belief.

Action: Angry thoughts toward David for subscribing to daily emails that I know nothing about and have to wade through.

Intent: Help me out here, David. Need some input, guidance on using the Action/Intent/Belief model.

Belief: He’s not going to follow through.

Your action statement is OK.

Your intent should be found on the Power & Control wheel, and is typically a less-than/more-than thing; e.g., to be-little, to make him responsible for my problem, to emotionally abuse him, to validate woman’s rule, etc.

Your belief statement is not an opinion of the other. It must be a belief that, at least in your mind, legitimizes your mal-intent; e.g., I believe that I should be free of inconvenience and irritation, my husband should pick up after himself even when he’s not here, I believe that women should never be asked to clean the email-toilet bowl, etc.

The idea is that there is a gate-keeper at the cage door of the extremely messy ANGER beast. The only key that will let out the ANGER beast is a less-than thought, the action that follows a less-than thought effectively makes the other less-than, and this action, that you would otherwise avoid, is legitimized by a belief that the circumstances permit the release of the ANGER beast.

You may want to try BIP. Much more confrontational than Al-Anon. Confrontation works faster. That’s why abusers – and abuse therapists – use it!

Regarding family therapist, I do prefer Mary Jane because she is a woman, because control and abuse are her field, but more importantly – and don’t think I’m kidding – she’s Hungarian. If she refuses, bummer. My second choice would be to ask Joyce at No Abuse, though she’s rather tough on men. My third choice would be whomever MJ recommends. This is not a John Cox thing, Jen, as much as I enjoy him. Nevertheless, I’ll go with whatever, sort of.

Regarding the “sit back and relax” thing. No can do.

If you would like me to get some outside feedback on this post, let me know and I will read it over with Mary Jane, my parents, or whomever you recommend.

David