Small Moves Forward
Posted on Thursday, September 10th, 2009 at 9:08 pmDismissal of the Injunction: David, I would like to agree to a No Hostile Injunction between us. This would not be court ordered; however, it would follow the basic guidelines of a court ordered No Hostile Injunction, which are fairly straightforward and simple:
- Be able to meet and/or see each other in public places
- Blog contact could continue along with phone and/email
- Continue with Monday-Friday (8 am – 1 pm) access to the house, with any additional access pre-arranged and agreed upon
- Visits with Ellen to continue every Saturday, same time (10-Noon) at your parent’s home with one of your folks, or a family member or friend there. I will drop her off and pick her up.
- Be able to meet for counseling sessions
Along the way – between you, Ellen and I – anything else can be added, agreed to, or changed, spur of the moment or with pre-planning.
So that’s it.
Judge Jenny
PS: I did talk with Ellen tonight about this and she is amiable. Please talk with your folks about it. I can submit the formal paperwork to proceed with the dismissal of the Injunction on Monday. It will take 3-5 days.
Thanks…I found it on the kitchen table. It looks like you left a music DVD in the computer. J
Jen: OK. You want the meditation CD. I’ll burn it now. I’ll give you the narrated meditation, the So-Hum, and as much of the mood-music as will fit. David
Hey D: You never loaded the meditation CD…how about making me a copy I can get from you on Thursday. Jen
Well…I just lost what I wrote somehow…essentially my comment back to you said:
David: To be clear, and for purposes of submitting the dismissal tomorrow, I’m agreeing to – and asking you to agree to – the base agreement in the post: Small Moves Forward. From here…after the dismissal and as we move into/through family counseling…we can begin to voice, discuss, argue, agree to and/or disagree to any modifications, additions and desires that we so wish to. Jen
OK. If access to the house ends at 1PM, then I would like to pick Ellen up from school and bring her here, and or do any afterschool shuttling that you are unable to do.
Posting at the exact same time…that is a first. Milestones are good. I’m going to go breathe now…I’ll tell Ellen about Stargate Anonymous…I imagine it works like all others…first she must admit she has a problem! I’ll look for your meditation post. Good luck fishing. We’re around here today…Ellen has homework and I’ll be straightening things up. Thanks for your post. Jen
Papa Bear:
Small moves forward. This (the agreement) is what Ellen and I are comfortable with right now.
Let me expound a little regarding “visitation.” Unlike Family Ties, with someone sitting between you two, listening to every word, guiding the conversation and reporting back to Mom (which Ellen really hates by the way), Ellen would just like someone around – Grandma in the computer room, Grandpa watching a game, etc. There will be no “reporting back to Mom.” Ellen can share with me what she likes. The last “clause” – Along the way – between you, Ellen and I – anything else can be added, agreed to, or changed, spur of the moment or with pre-planning – allows for the freedom you desire to come at a natural/progressive pace for each of us. Things like Ellen staying for lunch with you and your folks, or the two of you deciding to go to a movie later in the afternoon – these are things I asked Ellen about…things she is open to.
Access to the house stays limited. Family counseling needs to begin. Regarding Ellen’s safety: as you know, she is comfortable being home alone. We check in regularly and she knows all of the safety rules…lock the doors, don’t answer the door, she has the Palmer’s number, your number and 911. I, too, recognize it’s not ideal, it is just ok. Change will follow better… better will follow trust…trust will follow example…example will follow time.
So, this is it. This is the agreement. Small moves forward. Between us? Or, between us and the judge?
Mama Bear
PS: The latest to submit dismissal paperwork to be sure it gets in front of the judge before Sept. 23, is Tuesday, the 14th. The Harbour House volunteer told me that the judge more often than not agrees to the dismissal.
Emotion Flower Words: Annoyance, Trust, Apprehension, Love, Pensiveness, Sadness, Anger, Serenity, Vigilance. So, Love Doctor…what do these emotion petals say to you?
Judge Jenny:
Another element that would be good to add to your plan is a time frame. It would be good to add a date at which time the arrangement would be reconsidered, or end. For example, the injunction had a time frame of six months. As good, or better, would be a milestone requirement. A milestone requirement that appeared in the injunction was visitation as recommended by a counselor; when a counselor could be found to make a recommendation, visitation was permitted.
Anyway, I’m sure you’ll figure it all out and find a solution that works.
OK. I got to go. I’ve already missed my Stargate Anonymous meeting and I’m running late for Gar Fisher’s Anonymous … I am powerless over the Gar and Gate …
OH. Breathing helps. Mary Jane recommended a focus on breathing. It came up again in a book I originally got for Ellen – Zen in the Art of Archery. Breath as if nothing else matters, as if life depends on it alone. Fifteen minutes dedicated to breathing, or a simple focus on breathing at any time and throughout the day, has become a ‘time out’ from and for ‘life’. So Hum. Ho Hum. Theta wave surfing. Oddly, the original meditation CD I was given was narrated by a woman whose voice had an uncanny resemblance to a very relaxed Aunt Deb! I’ll tried to load that on your computer next week.
Defendant Dave
This is concrete. That is good. It’s also punitive. That is not good.
A regularly scheduled visit with Ellen is a great baseline. Requiring supervision and restricting the visit to a single location is punitive.
I would like you to agree to a regular weekend visit of two hours without any restrictions.
I know courts order supervised visitation when the parents can not agree on an alternative. So, I’m happy you’re suggesting an alternative. I would like a more open alternative – an unsupervised vist with no restriction on location
I also know courts order supervised visitation in order to gather information for future decisions regarding custody. I don’t see a need for this now. Nevertheless, if you want my parents to sit with Ellen and I for two hours in order to prevent inappropriate behavior, and to gather information for you, perhaps you should ask them and provide them with guidelines on what you consider inappropriate.
I feel certain you are concerned with Ellen’s safety. That’s good. I also feel certain you want to control me, even hurt me. That’s not good. I think when you give yourself the freedom to admit you do want to control and hurt me, you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the new possibilities that freedom provides.
If you can remove the restrictions on visitation, then it will be easy to extend the weekday hours to 5PM, or until you get home. I would like to have access to the house from 8 until 5, or until you get home. I would like to ask you to agree to that.
Access until five, or until you get home, with no restriction on contact with Ellen makes it possible for me to ensure Ellen’s not at home alone, something I am sure is a safety concern we share, and it would also allow me to help shuttle Ellen between school, band practice, clarinet lessons, and home. So, I would like to ask you to allow me to make sure Ellen is not left at home alone by allowing me to stay at the house until you return from work, and also allow me to help with shuttling Ellen wherever necessary after school.
Please let me know how you feel about this. I mean, imagine it as I’ve described, look at the emotion flower, pick all the emotions that fit your reaction, and let me know what those words are. I would like that.
Got to go.