BIP Homework assist
Posted on Saturday, July 25th, 2009 at 9:34 amDavid: Rather than rely on my memory for a situation to describe, I’m referencing some notes I made on December 12, 2008. Reading them over took me back to that day and I am having a visceral reaction to it. I’m hesitant to post because I am imagining your reaction to the fact that I took notes. But I am also hopeful that you will appreciate that I am not relying on my memory. Nothing was added or taken away from my notes…no “I think you said this”…or “I may have reacted this way”…no additional facts or embellishments describing the situation.
I did add some additional “in general” comments at the end.
If there is some part that you would like me to tell you more about, I will try and do that.
Jen
PS: An interesting fact/find…In our little Merriam-Webster dictionary on the desk, the word intimidate comes right after intimate.
5: Minimization and Denial:
a. Stonewalled Jen – what she had to say was unimportant.
b. Blamed Ellen for my lack of not finding a positive way to encourage her.
Jen, this section refers to the ways I minimizied or denied the event or the effects of the event. Did I tell someone it didn’t happen? Claim that we were one big happy family? Tell you, “Ah honey, it was nothing, let’s make-up.” Claim I couldn’t remember saying or doing what I said or did, etc. Too, a justification for the behavior might be considered a minimization or a denial that the behavior was controlling or abusive.
Controlling and abusive behavior does minimize the other and does deny the other validity. I see you saying that I minimized what you had to say and denied it validity. But the purpose of this exercise is to identify what I typically do to minimize or deny my controlling and abusive behavior. And I would do that by saying that the unstated minimization and denial was an underlying belief that “the end justifies the means.”
What do you see, or sense, that I do to minimize or deny my controlling and abusive behavior?
What do you see, or sense, that I do to minimize or deny the effects of my controlling and abusive behavior?
If you are answering those questions, I just don’t get it. So, if you are, then perhaps you could rephrase, or explain.
I do disagree with your approach to fitness, and that includes your approach to Ellen’s fitness. You have never stated a goal. And you have never made it a “no excuse” priority.
The amount of time spent has never been important to me, as long as there was at least an active, accelerated half hour during the day, and as much time stretching at some time during the day. The type of excercise or streching has never been important to me, as long as it was done regularly. It is important to me that Ellen get the axel before she quits skating; if today she could get a coach, a judge, or Debby, to say “You’ve got it”, then she could quit knowing it hadn’t beat her. My only other goal for Ellen would be that she be able to do a sustained half hour of accerated activity without a significant rise in heat rate. That is something that does require a daily meditation in action.
I also disagree with your belief that it is my responsibility to find a positive way to encourage Ellen to exercise, to work, to read, to write, etc.
6. Effects:
to Her: Gave Jen the motivation/courage to say enough.
to Others: Demotivated Ellen.
These answers are OK. Your “to Her” answer is definitely your answer. Your “to Others” answer sounds like yours also. Neither or your answers were obvious to me at the time or after. So, it would only now be possible to make the answers mine by accepting yours as mine. I can do that by rephrasing your answer to read something like this – Jen says,”I became motivated to say ‘enough’.” Perhaps Ellen can likewise offer something I can quote.
On my own, without hearing from either of you, my answers would, of necessity, be completely different.
to Her: Jen got quiet, withdrew, and became less responsive.
to Others: Like Jen, Ellen got quiet, withdrew, and became less responsive.
7. Past Violence:
a. Added another incident.
That answer is passable, maybe, as long as Joyce doesn’t read it. But if she does, I think she’ll want more. I think she’s looking for a little more soul searching. And since it’s my soul to search I probably should not have invited you to answer this one.
My answer is this: With each outburst Jen becomes more contrary and fault-finding, and our marriage deteriorates.
Try that one on and let me know what you think.
8. Non-controlling behavior:
a. Stay calmer (this from Ellen).
b. Ask Jen what frustrates her about parenting.
c. Talk to Ellen about why physical fitness is important to me.
d. Ask Ellen what her goals are with exercising and how she plans to achieve them.
e. Ask Ellen how I can best help her achieve her goals…listen…offer suggestions.
f. Ask “the girls” for ideas of what we could do together to stay physically active…add my own ideas…decide and commit to a plan together. Re-evaluate it periodically for variety…season change.
g. Stick to the subject at hand.
I’m going to accept these as they are. And I’ll thank you for them. And I’ll ask you and Ellen to answer the questions you suggest I ask in B, D, E, & F.
David:
I’m going to put my corrections and additions here in the comment section for you to review, edit and use as you wish.
Corrections:
1. Actions: After Gestures: delete the word “paced”
2. Actions: After Contact: add the word “hit” after threatened.
5: Minimization and Denial:
a. Stonewalled Jen – what she had to say was unimportant.
b. Blamed Ellen for my lack of not finding a positive way to encourage her.
6. Effects:
to Her: Gave Jen the motivation/courage to say enough.
to Others: Demotivated Ellen.
7. Past Violence:
a. Added another incident.
8. Non-controlling behavior:
a. Stay calmer (this from Ellen).
b. Ask Jen what frustrates her about parenting.
c. Talk to Ellen about why physical fitness is important to me.
d. Ask Ellen what her goals are with exercising and how she plans to achieve them.
e. Ask Ellen how I can best help her achieve her goals…listen…offer suggestions.
f. Ask “the girls” for ideas of what we could do together to stay physically active…add my own ideas…decide and commit to a plan together. Re-evaluate it periodically for variety…season change.
g. Stick to the subject at hand.
Jennifer: The Check-In on the first page of the form is for an event that occurred in the last seven weeks. That is for me to do on my own … as there haven’t been any events between us in that period, unless I’ve overlooked something. You can do one, if you’d like. The second page has some stuff you might look at – in particular numbers 5, 6, 7, & 8. Your voice in those parts of the exercise would be helpful. I’ll post it a link to the form here … in a minute.
David: Do you want me to come up with the Action, Intent, Belief…to boil it down? I can give that a try. I know you said you would, too. And, I do want to ask more of myself, more of Ellen, more of my family…more of you. Keep your beliefs. I don’t want to think less of you either…I just want to think and be more of myself in a healthier environment.
Jen
It doesn’t feel good to think less of you.
It doesn’t make me happy to think less of you.
OK. Thanks, Jen. I got the word doc. It’s long. I’ve got only four lines for a description of the action. So, I’ll have to abbreviate it and fit it to the BIP formula. It won’t end up with much of what you’ve put into it.
These notes – you’ve never showed them to me before, right? I don’t remember you showing them to me. Have I forgotten something? If there are others you want me to tell me about, please do.
The morning you describe is stripped of context. BIP does just that – everything’s stripped of context. Context is unimportant. That is the hardest part of the whole thing. All the head stuff, all the thoughts, all the reasons, all the rationales, all the beliefs – out! Don’t matter.
But, now, reading it as you describe it, stripped by you of context, it is easier to see that the meaning is missed in the meanness. Alot of “less-than” thoughts 12/12.
Anyway, thanks. I’ll work on it.
I do think less of you when you ask less of yourself.
I do think less of you when you ask less of Ellen.
I do think less of you when you ask less of your family.
I do think my expectations are beliefs I want to keep.
Better to be happy than right.
David